Ice Ice Kitty

February 6th 2012

I’ve been freezing my little kitty nipples off this week. What the hell is going on outside? Some weird white coloured rain has been falling from the sky and formed a cold paste over my back garden. At first when I was let out into the back yard, I got scared of the slushy frozen white stuff covering the pavement. Now I am rolling around in it purely for fun then shivering and running into the nice warm house for refuge. Within minutes I’m back outside rolling around in it again. I have never known behaviour like it; I am completely losing all rational thought and just fixated on the white heaven in the garden.

The rabbits have been brought in from the cold and are now staying in the conservatory due to the sub-zero temperatures. The sliding doors to the conservatory are always shut so I cannot socialise with the girls. This is hampering my chances with Martha and I fear she is slipping away from me. Plus I haven’t seen the dogs from next door in a while either. They stay in the warm while I have all the fun in the slushy stuff. I have to say though it is really nice lying underneath a radiator or by the fire and dropping off to sleep.

I have given up on the litter box. I think the humans are testing me a little as the damned thing is always full of my excrement. Change it will you!!! I am a very busy kitty and all I ask is that I can poo in a clean litter box once in a while. I may have to start nipping heals and scratching legs again if this doesn’t change for the better.   

Love Cat-ually

January 23^rd 2012

Hello my kitty fans and welcome back to my diary instalment of the week. I have decided to cut back the cat diaries to a fortnightly entry due to the laptop not being available as the biggest human; Gary is never around to open it. I guess you will just have to hotly anticipate it for a further week from now on.

I have been mulling over whether or not to ask Martha out on a date. Martha is one of two rabbits that live in a hutch outside in the garden, try to keep up. My initial thought process was that we are two completely different species and it would never work but somehow I feel compelled to ask her. Rose, her mother, is totally opposed to me spending any time with Martha due to my claws of steel and my fangs of fury. It is true I am a dangerous little kitty. I can bite, scratch, pounce and terrorise without a second thought, just ask the humans. With Martha though I feel a connection. She likes sleeping, I like sleeping. She likes food, I like food. She likes having fur, I like having fur. We have so much in common. To tell you the truth I don’t think Rose is opposed to my spending time with her for just those reasons above. I also feel it is because she fancies me. It’s one massive love triangle.

The dogs next door weren’t helpful. When I suggested that Martha and I should start dating they rolled about laughing and reminded me that rabbits were food to cats. This was a valid point and one that I will consider before I make my mind up on the whole dating thing. The mere fact that I am irresistible to the opposite species is reason enough to take the chance. Although the fact that I had my balls cut off by a human in a white coat a while ago has somewhat battered my mojo.

Whatever I decide to do I will let you know, adios amigos!!!

The Pawshank Redemption

January 9^th 2012

Bonjour kitty fans and welcome back to my weekly documentation of adventures. Once again this diary entry is fashionably late due to unforeseen circumstances. This time my feeble excuse comes in the shape of incarceration, namely in the conservatory of my own house. The female was preparing the dining room for guests and opened the sliding door to the conservatory in order to retrieve the sofa bed. As they say, “curiosity killed the cat.” Well not quite but I slipped in there unnoticed and the door was swung shut behind me. It is quite a traumatic experience knowing that you are powerless to do anything about your own situation; therefore I just sat there until someone noticed me. Sure enough, they found me but it was far too late in the evening for me to start my diary entry.

My litter box is starting to resemble the “bog of eternal stench” from that movie Labyrinth. The humans seem quite content to leave my poo to fester in amongst a combination of wood pellets and urine. Sometimes I wait until I’m let outside just so I can have a dump in a clean spot, usually next door’s garden. I have been in kitty rehab all week, trying to kick this habit of drinking from the toilet. I explained this to the two nice dogs next door and they greeted my treatment with confusion. They say that drinking from the toilet is the best part of their day but I’m not convinced. Sure it’s fun but it’s not a lifestyle and it certainly doesn’t control me, I can quit any time.

The biggest human, I think he is called Gary, had a go at me last week because I didn’t mention his friend that came to visit the house just to see me. She fussed over me a lot and liked stroking my fur. Apparently she gave him a hard time because I didn’t mention her in my diary entry from last week. Oh well, that really doesn’t concern me. Sorry Gary but I don’t do shout outs or requests, I’m far too busy a kitty to be concerned with mentioning people...Big up the rabbits Rose and Martha in the garden though – they are two tough girls to be braving the weather out there, see you next week...  

Diary Of A Wimpy Kitty

January 2^nd 2012

Once again I feel I have to apologise for the lateness of my weekly diary entry. This has been a week where the laptop has stayed shut, and as I am devoid of opposable thumbs, I was unable to prize it open. The biggest human has not been using the damn thing due to his hectic schedule of eating, sleeping and cluttering up the place.

Oh well, better late than never I suppose, so let us reflect on what the last week or so have taught me. First of all; don’t go outside for more than half an hour at a time. Bloody hell it’s cold out there, even with my fluffy fur coat. I’ve been freezing my paws off in the garden while the humans have the fire on in the front room eating their fill in front of the magic box of moving images. Thankfully I have developed the skill of knocking on the back door whilst meowing loudly until I’m noticed.

There is a machine in the kitchen that scares the living fur balls out of me. The humans use it regularly to moisten their strange garments before hanging them up to dry. They smell peculiar when they are taken out, kind of like flowers. Anything that doesn’t smell like chicken or fish is repulsive to me. The machine is so random as well. Just when I’m drifting off into the land of nod it comes to life, spinning and screeching away like it owns the place. How does anyone relax when there are things like in the house? Why do humans even wear these garments in the first place? They should grow more fur on their bodies.

Time I wrapped this up so I will finish with a new year’s resolution – Stop drinking from the toilet, dogs do that and it is not becoming of a respectable kitty!!!

Santa Paws Is Coming To Town

December 25th 2011

It has been quite possibly the weirdest week of my short existence. Humans are so eccentric at times that I don’t know what to expect next. Lots of different people, some I have never smelled before, were in and out of the house all day. They kept bringing in bags full of objects that were all kinds of different shapes and sizes. The objects often had the same markings on them until the humans tore into the outer wrapping. The littlest one seemed to have the most so I think the occasion was in aid of him, although why did the others have some objects too? To be honest, I tried to steer clear of them for most of the day. The stuff that the littlest human got was scary if not fascinating to me. Lots of pretty colours, flashing lights and loud noises came from various moving objects.

I had a chat with the dogs next door to shed some light on the whole experience. They claimed that it happens every time the weather changes from warm to cold and the light fades quicker in the day. It is like some sort of celebration that somehow keeps the humans happy through the cold period. Another thing that the dogs told me was that the little humans, or children as they call them, receive gifts from some fat dude in a red suit called Santa Claus. Apparently on the night before the celebration; he lands on roofs with a sled of reindeer, jumps down chimneys and leaves chocolate and toys for these children to find in the morning. That sounds quite alarming that even a fat guy can breach the security of your house while you are asleep, I will look out for him next time.

The bigger humans got a little scary in the evening so I just stayed on the landing upstairs and dropped off to sleep. All I could hear was laughter and raised voices from downstairs. They sounded like they were enjoying themselves but I couldn’t be sure, plus my tail had been stood on too many times in the day time by clumsy people not looking where they tread. Hopefully this is the end of the madness for a while...

Sin Kitty

December 19^th 2011

I don’t think the humans are happy with me this week. I can’t seem to keep anything down after I eat it. The food is nice enough and the volume is sufficient, but I have been getting sudden urges to spew it all over the carpet at any given opportunity. I don’t believe that my upset stomach is the real reason why they are unhappy with me though, more due to the fact that whenever I empty the contents of my tummy, I then proceed to play with the pile of sick and spread it all over the house. You should have heard them when they discovered the artwork in the front room; all sorts of new words were being thrown around towards my direction. I guess they don’t appreciate the work that went into the formation of regurgitated meaty chunks around the carpet, a much uncultured bunch if you ask me.

I had a chat with one of the cats in my neighbourhood yesterday. He is a black cat and is much bigger than me. He used to scare me a little when he would come into my garden and stare at me before I ran into the house. He is ok really, although he got me into trouble before. In the summer he convinced me to invite him into my house while the humans were busy watching the box of moving images. One of them clocked us sneaking through the kitchen and immediately chased my guest away. How was I supposed to know I couldn’t have friends over? I must have missed that memo. He doesn’t come around that often now, probably because I am a bit bigger now and can stand up to him.

I will have to try and improve the humans’ collective mood this week. Maybe I could bring in another half-dead mouse as a peace offering or actually poo in the litter box instead of just missing it and hitting the floor. Although that last one sounds like too much effort, why should I have to be accurate all of the time? They wouldn’t praise me if I didn’t start off rubbish then make slow improvements as time moves on. Right, I’m off for a kip, the 6^th one of the day so only 3 more to go...

Catman: Arkham Kitty

December 12^th 2011

Sorry about the late entry, the humans have not been out of the house for a sustained amount of time for me to get hold of the big one’s laptop. I hope that your withdrawal symptoms fade with each passing sentence and normality has resumed in your routines.

This past week has been quite traumatic for me. From being left out in the rain a couple of times to being disturbed in my slumber by continuously inconsistent random noises coming from the rest of the household. I love to go outside and stretch my legs from time to time. This is where I can do lots of cool stuff like chase moving objects and torment the resident rabbits that are occupying the hutch in the garden. Those rabbits think they are so smart with their twitching noses and floppy ears, so I bring them down a peg or two with my constant barrages of attacks on their cage run. It really is quite fun, you should try it. The looks of terror on their faces are a joy to behold. Being outside this week however has been less than fun. Don’t get me wrong, I love the freedom that comes from a good run-around in the garden, but the weather this week has been nothing short of horrendous. Wind, rain, hail and frost are not things I look for in an evening’s foraging.

I tried to sleep at the foot of the biggest human’s bed last night. At first he was accommodating and I felt comfortable sleeping next to his quilt-covered lower half. After a while I realised that neither of us were going to get any sleep unless one of us vacated. He kept fidgeting and moving into different formations across the bed. I was never going to get any kip so I tried my luck in the other bedroom where I was swiftly picked up and put in my own bed in the kitchen with the door shut. There is just no pleasing some people...