The Next Mouse Hitler

November 27^th 2011

I’m growing tired and underappreciated in my own house this week. Once again I went out of my way to do something nice just to get it thrown back in my face. The biggest one, let’s call him captain; let me in after a hard days graft in the back garden. He stood and watched as I trotted in all proud of myself after spending all day looking for a present for him. I put it down on the kitchen floor and waited for my thank you and a pat on the back. The next thing I know I hear him shouting, “That’s gross kitty!!!” before he put a bag over his weird opposable thumbed hand, picked up my present and threw it in the big green bin outside. That is the thanks I get for spending the best part of the day stalking, pouncing and clawing that mouse. He died a noble death, plus I was pretty sure he was going to be the next mouse Hitler so I did the mouse community a favour. If only my buddy indoors saw it that way.

They did something really weird today. I don’t get these animals I live with; they do pointless things with their time. I spend the day investigating areas by sniffing and touching. Then I sleep before investigating more areas, a bit of food and more sleep before investigating the same areas I covered at the start of the day. Very important stuff. Like today for instance, I investigated one of the rooms upstairs. When one of the animals goes in there, they come out and there is a funny smell. Much like my litter box after I poo. Sometimes I like to go in there after they have used it and the big porcelain thing is still open. I like to jump up onto the edge and have a sniff, and then I get in to taste the bit of water at the bottom. The results of my investigation usually end with me emptying my guts through my mouth onto the kitchen floor, it’s really interesting stuff. Anyway, back to the weird thing they were doing today. The female and her mate got home with the smaller one and brought in a massive box. They emptied the box and started moving things around in the room at the front of the house. As they started assembling the contents of the big box I soon discovered that it was some kind of tree. Why would they be bringing a tree indoors? Why was it in a box? We have several trees in the back garden; can’t we use one of those? They then did something even more bizarre. They started putting pretty little lights and balls on the branches in a decorative manner before the little guy stuck a star shaped thing on top. They then sat back and stared at it for a while before going about their usual business. What the hell is going on? Is the tree replacing me? I can’t know for sure but I will wait until they leave tomorrow and investigate around the tree. The balls actually look like a fun thing to play with!!

Wrecks and the Kitty

November 19^th 2011:

I woke up and the surroundings are familiar. The door is closed; it’s still dark but feels like the right time to wake up and no sign of anyone else. I look across the room and see lots of what seem like broken pieces of china on the floor. I get up to investigate…hmmm; it seems as if someone must have knocked some crockery over in the night. I move closer to assess the damage, but I then remember that it was me. I must have climbed up onto the work top looking for food and clumsily knocked it off. Shit! They will be down here any minute and I know they are going to blame me for this. I got back into bed and hoped they won’t notice. Suddenly the door swung open and in came the big animals who feed me. I made a run for it up the stairs and heard some noises. When I got back downstairs again the mess disappeared, result.

I guess I can get away with anything because the biggest one always picks me up and hugs me. Then I do a figure of eight around his legs for a bit and he feeds me…sucker!! There are three more of them who regularly interact with me. Two big ones and a smaller one, but he is still quite big – and scary. I like the biggest one best. He is my buddy and we chill together whenever he gets home from wherever he goes. I greet him with a quick dart to the middle steps and pat him on his face with my paw. Then he picks me up and gives me a kiss before putting some yummy food out for me.

I think my name is either “No Biting” or “Get off Kitty.” They seem to be the most used words around me. I like to gnaw on the female of the house’s hand when she picks me up and her feet when she is on the sofa. This is when I hear my name used the most. I don’t bite the biggest one because he feeds me the most so it’s probably the wrong thing to do. My litter box is always full of my poo. They only clear it up when they notice the smell, and I do like to make a smell. Oh well, time to sign off for now. Same time next week…

Introduction: The Kitty Of The House

Hello friends and welcome to a "spin off" blog from my usual place of satirical fun. Say hello to my little friend, his name is Lucky. Not a name I would have chosen for him, but in many ways it is fitting due to his adventures at my residence since his arrival. I would not describe myself as a "cat person." In fact I have always wanted a dog. The inventory of pets I have harboured down the years would suggest otherwise. My first pet was a rabbit named Benjamin Bunny. I was very young at the time and the only memory I have is when he took a chunk out of my thumb. I have also shared my home with several gerbils and hamsters plus a fish named Jaws (for a day) before my mother found out and we got rid of him. Now I live with my sister, her three year old son and her boyfriend. Our pets include two rabbits to which I named Rose and Martha - Doctor Who reference, and this little bundle of joy above.

He has grown up substantially since this photo was taken, plus that scratching post is worn down to virtually it's last thread. The furball never ceases to make me laugh and I have to admit that we have struck quite a bond. To start with he rarely ever mistakes me for food or his scratching post, which is more than can be said for others in my house. His favourite activity is biting my sister whenever she goes near him. He also tends to always take my side whenever I have and argument with her as well. He will start doing figures of eight around my legs and rub his nose around my feet whenever he is hungry or wants to play outside. This behaviour is pretty standard for him, but he has started to do some things that I just had to document in a separate blog for you all to read, so starting from today and every Monday going forward I will be doing a light hearted analysis of his weekly antics on this page, enjoy...

Sunday 13/11/11:

My sister's boyfriend prepares a lovely chicken roast for myself, my sister and my nephew. We all sit down to eat and everything is lovely. We near the end of the meal and the cat comes strolling into the dining room with what appears to be his version of fast food. As my sister's man comes to the realisation of what Lucky has between his teeth, he quickly diverts our attention before dispatching the foreign object with military precision. From what we can gather, the kitty brought a mouse into the dining room to "play with." It was not dead but our vicious little furball was toying with it. Thanks Kitty, my roast tastes that little bit better with the image of maimed vermin in my head!!!