Santa Paws Is Coming To Town

December 25th 2011

It has been quite possibly the weirdest week of my short existence. Humans are so eccentric at times that I don’t know what to expect next. Lots of different people, some I have never smelled before, were in and out of the house all day. They kept bringing in bags full of objects that were all kinds of different shapes and sizes. The objects often had the same markings on them until the humans tore into the outer wrapping. The littlest one seemed to have the most so I think the occasion was in aid of him, although why did the others have some objects too? To be honest, I tried to steer clear of them for most of the day. The stuff that the littlest human got was scary if not fascinating to me. Lots of pretty colours, flashing lights and loud noises came from various moving objects.

I had a chat with the dogs next door to shed some light on the whole experience. They claimed that it happens every time the weather changes from warm to cold and the light fades quicker in the day. It is like some sort of celebration that somehow keeps the humans happy through the cold period. Another thing that the dogs told me was that the little humans, or children as they call them, receive gifts from some fat dude in a red suit called Santa Claus. Apparently on the night before the celebration; he lands on roofs with a sled of reindeer, jumps down chimneys and leaves chocolate and toys for these children to find in the morning. That sounds quite alarming that even a fat guy can breach the security of your house while you are asleep, I will look out for him next time.

The bigger humans got a little scary in the evening so I just stayed on the landing upstairs and dropped off to sleep. All I could hear was laughter and raised voices from downstairs. They sounded like they were enjoying themselves but I couldn’t be sure, plus my tail had been stood on too many times in the day time by clumsy people not looking where they tread. Hopefully this is the end of the madness for a while...

Sin Kitty

December 19^th 2011

I don’t think the humans are happy with me this week. I can’t seem to keep anything down after I eat it. The food is nice enough and the volume is sufficient, but I have been getting sudden urges to spew it all over the carpet at any given opportunity. I don’t believe that my upset stomach is the real reason why they are unhappy with me though, more due to the fact that whenever I empty the contents of my tummy, I then proceed to play with the pile of sick and spread it all over the house. You should have heard them when they discovered the artwork in the front room; all sorts of new words were being thrown around towards my direction. I guess they don’t appreciate the work that went into the formation of regurgitated meaty chunks around the carpet, a much uncultured bunch if you ask me.

I had a chat with one of the cats in my neighbourhood yesterday. He is a black cat and is much bigger than me. He used to scare me a little when he would come into my garden and stare at me before I ran into the house. He is ok really, although he got me into trouble before. In the summer he convinced me to invite him into my house while the humans were busy watching the box of moving images. One of them clocked us sneaking through the kitchen and immediately chased my guest away. How was I supposed to know I couldn’t have friends over? I must have missed that memo. He doesn’t come around that often now, probably because I am a bit bigger now and can stand up to him.

I will have to try and improve the humans’ collective mood this week. Maybe I could bring in another half-dead mouse as a peace offering or actually poo in the litter box instead of just missing it and hitting the floor. Although that last one sounds like too much effort, why should I have to be accurate all of the time? They wouldn’t praise me if I didn’t start off rubbish then make slow improvements as time moves on. Right, I’m off for a kip, the 6^th one of the day so only 3 more to go...

Catman: Arkham Kitty

December 12^th 2011

Sorry about the late entry, the humans have not been out of the house for a sustained amount of time for me to get hold of the big one’s laptop. I hope that your withdrawal symptoms fade with each passing sentence and normality has resumed in your routines.

This past week has been quite traumatic for me. From being left out in the rain a couple of times to being disturbed in my slumber by continuously inconsistent random noises coming from the rest of the household. I love to go outside and stretch my legs from time to time. This is where I can do lots of cool stuff like chase moving objects and torment the resident rabbits that are occupying the hutch in the garden. Those rabbits think they are so smart with their twitching noses and floppy ears, so I bring them down a peg or two with my constant barrages of attacks on their cage run. It really is quite fun, you should try it. The looks of terror on their faces are a joy to behold. Being outside this week however has been less than fun. Don’t get me wrong, I love the freedom that comes from a good run-around in the garden, but the weather this week has been nothing short of horrendous. Wind, rain, hail and frost are not things I look for in an evening’s foraging.

I tried to sleep at the foot of the biggest human’s bed last night. At first he was accommodating and I felt comfortable sleeping next to his quilt-covered lower half. After a while I realised that neither of us were going to get any sleep unless one of us vacated. He kept fidgeting and moving into different formations across the bed. I was never going to get any kip so I tried my luck in the other bedroom where I was swiftly picked up and put in my own bed in the kitchen with the door shut. There is just no pleasing some people...

Kitty Slickers 2: Meow It All Began

3^rd December 2011

I have been given some weird gravy based poultry dishes this week instead of my usual jelly ensemble. I still don’t know what to make of it, plus my poo has been coming out slightly smellier than usual. I have been chatting to the dog next door, he says that his food is always the same so I suppose having variety is a good thing right? He also explained that the animals I live with are called humans and the reason they are out for most of the day is because they do something called “work.” I have no idea what that means but when he tried to give me some examples a chill went down my spine. Why are they doing that to themselves? Surely sleeping, eating and chasing interesting moving things are a lot more fun. Weird things these humans are.

When the biggest one got home today I greeted him at the door. He must have been pleased to see me because he picked me up and held me for a while. I let him do it for a time before I wriggle free. I like it when I’m picked up, it makes me purr uncontrollably. He holds me facing up so he can tickle my tummy, then I turn over to face the forward so he can stroke my head and neck. That sends me to sleep sometimes if we are sitting down watching the box of moving images. He went out for a while and the other humans let me out into the garden to play. When they called for me to come in I couldn’t hear my buddy so I stayed hidden. He got home later that night and came outside with food for me, so I rushed to see him. Unfortunately it was another dirty trick to get me into the kitchen. They close the door with me in there at night. It’s not so bad really; my bed, my food and the litter box is in there so it’s like my bedroom.

I think I’m starting to get on the other human’s nerves a little bit. I do like to nibble on their feet when they are sat down, but it’s only because I’m bored and want to play. Whenever I try to play with them I always seem to end up in the garden with the door closed behind me. I guess they don’t enjoy the attention. I suppose it would be annoying if someone was chewing on my feet constantly, actually I chew my own feet quite a lot and that is not annoying at all!!!

Oh well, time to sign off for another week…

The Next Mouse Hitler

November 27^th 2011

I’m growing tired and underappreciated in my own house this week. Once again I went out of my way to do something nice just to get it thrown back in my face. The biggest one, let’s call him captain; let me in after a hard days graft in the back garden. He stood and watched as I trotted in all proud of myself after spending all day looking for a present for him. I put it down on the kitchen floor and waited for my thank you and a pat on the back. The next thing I know I hear him shouting, “That’s gross kitty!!!” before he put a bag over his weird opposable thumbed hand, picked up my present and threw it in the big green bin outside. That is the thanks I get for spending the best part of the day stalking, pouncing and clawing that mouse. He died a noble death, plus I was pretty sure he was going to be the next mouse Hitler so I did the mouse community a favour. If only my buddy indoors saw it that way.

They did something really weird today. I don’t get these animals I live with; they do pointless things with their time. I spend the day investigating areas by sniffing and touching. Then I sleep before investigating more areas, a bit of food and more sleep before investigating the same areas I covered at the start of the day. Very important stuff. Like today for instance, I investigated one of the rooms upstairs. When one of the animals goes in there, they come out and there is a funny smell. Much like my litter box after I poo. Sometimes I like to go in there after they have used it and the big porcelain thing is still open. I like to jump up onto the edge and have a sniff, and then I get in to taste the bit of water at the bottom. The results of my investigation usually end with me emptying my guts through my mouth onto the kitchen floor, it’s really interesting stuff. Anyway, back to the weird thing they were doing today. The female and her mate got home with the smaller one and brought in a massive box. They emptied the box and started moving things around in the room at the front of the house. As they started assembling the contents of the big box I soon discovered that it was some kind of tree. Why would they be bringing a tree indoors? Why was it in a box? We have several trees in the back garden; can’t we use one of those? They then did something even more bizarre. They started putting pretty little lights and balls on the branches in a decorative manner before the little guy stuck a star shaped thing on top. They then sat back and stared at it for a while before going about their usual business. What the hell is going on? Is the tree replacing me? I can’t know for sure but I will wait until they leave tomorrow and investigate around the tree. The balls actually look like a fun thing to play with!!

Wrecks and the Kitty

November 19^th 2011:

I woke up and the surroundings are familiar. The door is closed; it’s still dark but feels like the right time to wake up and no sign of anyone else. I look across the room and see lots of what seem like broken pieces of china on the floor. I get up to investigate…hmmm; it seems as if someone must have knocked some crockery over in the night. I move closer to assess the damage, but I then remember that it was me. I must have climbed up onto the work top looking for food and clumsily knocked it off. Shit! They will be down here any minute and I know they are going to blame me for this. I got back into bed and hoped they won’t notice. Suddenly the door swung open and in came the big animals who feed me. I made a run for it up the stairs and heard some noises. When I got back downstairs again the mess disappeared, result.

I guess I can get away with anything because the biggest one always picks me up and hugs me. Then I do a figure of eight around his legs for a bit and he feeds me…sucker!! There are three more of them who regularly interact with me. Two big ones and a smaller one, but he is still quite big – and scary. I like the biggest one best. He is my buddy and we chill together whenever he gets home from wherever he goes. I greet him with a quick dart to the middle steps and pat him on his face with my paw. Then he picks me up and gives me a kiss before putting some yummy food out for me.

I think my name is either “No Biting” or “Get off Kitty.” They seem to be the most used words around me. I like to gnaw on the female of the house’s hand when she picks me up and her feet when she is on the sofa. This is when I hear my name used the most. I don’t bite the biggest one because he feeds me the most so it’s probably the wrong thing to do. My litter box is always full of my poo. They only clear it up when they notice the smell, and I do like to make a smell. Oh well, time to sign off for now. Same time next week…

Introduction: The Kitty Of The House

Hello friends and welcome to a "spin off" blog from my usual place of satirical fun. Say hello to my little friend, his name is Lucky. Not a name I would have chosen for him, but in many ways it is fitting due to his adventures at my residence since his arrival. I would not describe myself as a "cat person." In fact I have always wanted a dog. The inventory of pets I have harboured down the years would suggest otherwise. My first pet was a rabbit named Benjamin Bunny. I was very young at the time and the only memory I have is when he took a chunk out of my thumb. I have also shared my home with several gerbils and hamsters plus a fish named Jaws (for a day) before my mother found out and we got rid of him. Now I live with my sister, her three year old son and her boyfriend. Our pets include two rabbits to which I named Rose and Martha - Doctor Who reference, and this little bundle of joy above.

He has grown up substantially since this photo was taken, plus that scratching post is worn down to virtually it's last thread. The furball never ceases to make me laugh and I have to admit that we have struck quite a bond. To start with he rarely ever mistakes me for food or his scratching post, which is more than can be said for others in my house. His favourite activity is biting my sister whenever she goes near him. He also tends to always take my side whenever I have and argument with her as well. He will start doing figures of eight around my legs and rub his nose around my feet whenever he is hungry or wants to play outside. This behaviour is pretty standard for him, but he has started to do some things that I just had to document in a separate blog for you all to read, so starting from today and every Monday going forward I will be doing a light hearted analysis of his weekly antics on this page, enjoy...

Sunday 13/11/11:

My sister's boyfriend prepares a lovely chicken roast for myself, my sister and my nephew. We all sit down to eat and everything is lovely. We near the end of the meal and the cat comes strolling into the dining room with what appears to be his version of fast food. As my sister's man comes to the realisation of what Lucky has between his teeth, he quickly diverts our attention before dispatching the foreign object with military precision. From what we can gather, the kitty brought a mouse into the dining room to "play with." It was not dead but our vicious little furball was toying with it. Thanks Kitty, my roast tastes that little bit better with the image of maimed vermin in my head!!!