Love Cat-ually

January 23^rd 2012

Hello my kitty fans and welcome back to my diary instalment of the week. I have decided to cut back the cat diaries to a fortnightly entry due to the laptop not being available as the biggest human; Gary is never around to open it. I guess you will just have to hotly anticipate it for a further week from now on.

I have been mulling over whether or not to ask Martha out on a date. Martha is one of two rabbits that live in a hutch outside in the garden, try to keep up. My initial thought process was that we are two completely different species and it would never work but somehow I feel compelled to ask her. Rose, her mother, is totally opposed to me spending any time with Martha due to my claws of steel and my fangs of fury. It is true I am a dangerous little kitty. I can bite, scratch, pounce and terrorise without a second thought, just ask the humans. With Martha though I feel a connection. She likes sleeping, I like sleeping. She likes food, I like food. She likes having fur, I like having fur. We have so much in common. To tell you the truth I don’t think Rose is opposed to my spending time with her for just those reasons above. I also feel it is because she fancies me. It’s one massive love triangle.

The dogs next door weren’t helpful. When I suggested that Martha and I should start dating they rolled about laughing and reminded me that rabbits were food to cats. This was a valid point and one that I will consider before I make my mind up on the whole dating thing. The mere fact that I am irresistible to the opposite species is reason enough to take the chance. Although the fact that I had my balls cut off by a human in a white coat a while ago has somewhat battered my mojo.

Whatever I decide to do I will let you know, adios amigos!!!

The Pawshank Redemption

January 9^th 2012

Bonjour kitty fans and welcome back to my weekly documentation of adventures. Once again this diary entry is fashionably late due to unforeseen circumstances. This time my feeble excuse comes in the shape of incarceration, namely in the conservatory of my own house. The female was preparing the dining room for guests and opened the sliding door to the conservatory in order to retrieve the sofa bed. As they say, “curiosity killed the cat.” Well not quite but I slipped in there unnoticed and the door was swung shut behind me. It is quite a traumatic experience knowing that you are powerless to do anything about your own situation; therefore I just sat there until someone noticed me. Sure enough, they found me but it was far too late in the evening for me to start my diary entry.

My litter box is starting to resemble the “bog of eternal stench” from that movie Labyrinth. The humans seem quite content to leave my poo to fester in amongst a combination of wood pellets and urine. Sometimes I wait until I’m let outside just so I can have a dump in a clean spot, usually next door’s garden. I have been in kitty rehab all week, trying to kick this habit of drinking from the toilet. I explained this to the two nice dogs next door and they greeted my treatment with confusion. They say that drinking from the toilet is the best part of their day but I’m not convinced. Sure it’s fun but it’s not a lifestyle and it certainly doesn’t control me, I can quit any time.

The biggest human, I think he is called Gary, had a go at me last week because I didn’t mention his friend that came to visit the house just to see me. She fussed over me a lot and liked stroking my fur. Apparently she gave him a hard time because I didn’t mention her in my diary entry from last week. Oh well, that really doesn’t concern me. Sorry Gary but I don’t do shout outs or requests, I’m far too busy a kitty to be concerned with mentioning people...Big up the rabbits Rose and Martha in the garden though – they are two tough girls to be braving the weather out there, see you next week...  

Diary Of A Wimpy Kitty

January 2^nd 2012

Once again I feel I have to apologise for the lateness of my weekly diary entry. This has been a week where the laptop has stayed shut, and as I am devoid of opposable thumbs, I was unable to prize it open. The biggest human has not been using the damn thing due to his hectic schedule of eating, sleeping and cluttering up the place.

Oh well, better late than never I suppose, so let us reflect on what the last week or so have taught me. First of all; don’t go outside for more than half an hour at a time. Bloody hell it’s cold out there, even with my fluffy fur coat. I’ve been freezing my paws off in the garden while the humans have the fire on in the front room eating their fill in front of the magic box of moving images. Thankfully I have developed the skill of knocking on the back door whilst meowing loudly until I’m noticed.

There is a machine in the kitchen that scares the living fur balls out of me. The humans use it regularly to moisten their strange garments before hanging them up to dry. They smell peculiar when they are taken out, kind of like flowers. Anything that doesn’t smell like chicken or fish is repulsive to me. The machine is so random as well. Just when I’m drifting off into the land of nod it comes to life, spinning and screeching away like it owns the place. How does anyone relax when there are things like in the house? Why do humans even wear these garments in the first place? They should grow more fur on their bodies.

Time I wrapped this up so I will finish with a new year’s resolution – Stop drinking from the toilet, dogs do that and it is not becoming of a respectable kitty!!!